Every year, thousands of young hopefuls head off to Hollywood with
dreams of “making it.” If you want to “make it”, you need to be better
than all the other wannabes at the essential elements of Stardom. Don't
worry though, this is totally all the guide you will ever need to make
it in Hollywood, so print out several copies of it. I say several
because even if, for some bizarre reason, you should fail, you can use
multiple copies of this article to line your clothing, which will
protect you against the cold, and provide a softer night's sleep on the
streets.
Remember that appearance is
everything in the Entertainment industry, so forget everything you were
ever told about the important things being on the inside. The inside is
going to become almost completely irrelevant for you, even in terms of
putting things inside, like food. You'll eat less than you ever have
before. This is partially because you can't afford to, and partially
because trying to please people and being constantly rejected is going
to give you a complex that only losing dangerous amounts of weight will
fix. Ideally you will become a shell. Think of yourself like a delicate
blown egg - completely empty on the inside, but painted prettily on the
outside, and admired by all who view you.
In order to be the very best egg you can be, you will need to work on several things:
Work
on your ass – Your ass can be a powerful tool, it can distract people
in places where your talent is lacking, and a good ass can be more
recognizable than a face if you are on the average looks side of the
pretty spectrum.
Work on your breasts – Big
or small, fake, or natural, the important thing is to just get them out
there. Practice your casual nipple slips in front of a mirror. Britney
Spears is a master of the nipple slip, and the hard nipple. Her nipples
are evident in almost every picture taken of her, and yours need to be
the same.
Drinking and Drugs – Very important
these two. Once you've sold out on all your principles, it's going to
feel very good to drink and dose yourself into oblivion anyway. Not
only do you get to escape all your troubles for a while, you'll also
think you're much cooler than you really are, and that is good for your
self esteem. Some people think that there is a difference between self
confidence and delusional thinking, but they're probably ugly.
Finally,
be prepared to sacrifice everything for stardom, and when I say
anything, I mean anything, your sanity, your dignity, your short term
memory, your reputation, the list goes on. It's not so bad once you get
used to it, and having lost all these things will be a great aid to
your career in either the food service industry, or the porn business.
If they idea of hardcore porn puts you off, California is also the hub
of fetish movie activity, so you can probably get a few gigs dressing
up in adult diapers and that sort of thing too. The world is really
your oyster, and the sky is totally the limit. Remember though, nothing
just gets handed to you in Hollywood, you will have to work for both
fame and notoriety.